Whitney

I think at some point in my life I decided there were two types of people: people that didn’t push themselves hard enough and never reached their potential, and the other people that pushed themselves too hard and gave all they had. It was an easy choice for me - I would much rather push myself too hard than fall short of the person I could be. I thought holding myself to extreme standards of righteousness and perfection was what made me strong. I wore my busy schedule and stress as a badge of honor. This sounds terrible, but I thought people who practiced self-acceptance and self-care were so dumb! I actually remember thinking to myself “they don’t get it.”

Overtime I think that process of thought began to weigh very heavily not only on my mind but on my body. I started having these little.. Well I know now I was having anxiety attacks, but at the time I thought it was just dramatic episodes because I was weak and not working hard enough. So every time I was having a panic attack I would beat myself up harder and say “pull it together why are you acting this way! There's no reason for you to be like this.” So even though I was dealing with anxiety my whole mission, (and really my whole life), i just kept pushing it under the rug because I didn't understand what it was.

My anxiety on my mission became so crippling, I was forced to be open to the possibility of mental health maybe being a real thing. When I had to make the decision between finishing the last few months in my area or going home, I knelt down and prayed, not to know if it was the right thing to go home, but if mental health was real (that sounds so ridiculous now) and if it was something I needed to start taking care of. When I asked that question, all of a sudden I started having these flashbacks and memories of my life. I remembered being twelve years old and feeling like I was going to throw up every morning because I was so nervous to go to school and see people. I remembered having days where I couldn't go to class in highschool because I was so stressed about living up to people's expectations of me. I realized Heavenly Father was showing me that it was something i had been dealing with for a really long time. And i remember getting the feeling and thought that he didn't want me to keep inflicting that on myself anymore, and he didn't want me to struggle anymore, but he wanted me to be happy and to be able to rest from all that pain in my head and my heart. And so i knew that it was okay if i went home, and if i finally accepted help with this. So that was a really big turning point, i felt like heavenly father gave me the go ahead, and i knew it was something i needed to do.

I remember a couple months after coming home from my mission and seeing a counselor, I was actually getting worse, and I could barely leave my house without freaking out or breaking down and crying. Those were the things that had made me think less of people just two years ago, and now it was happening to me! I was so embarrassed. I remember after one particularly hard doctor's appointment i felt like there was no hope of getting better ever, and I didn't understand how i could ever be happy again. If i couldn't even leave my bedroom how was i ever going to get an education? How would I ever have the confidence to date and marry, and even then, how could I possibly function as a mother if I couldn’t even get my mind to shut off long enough to sleep? And so I just felt like the rest of my life was hopeless, and I remember going home and i knelt down to pray. I was planning on asking heavenly father to just take it all away, and heal me of this problem and make me better again, but before i could get those words out of my mouth the spirit stopped me, and i felt prompted instead to pray and say thank you for this experience I was having. Mf first thought was “no way, that is the last thing I want to do.” But I followed the spirit and instead of expressing my frustration to God in that moment, I just said “thank you for giving me this experience.” As soon as I said that I got the most beautiful feeling of peace and happiness. I’m not kidding, I actually felt so incredibly happy, and i knew that this trial was meant for me. And i knew that it wasn't going to be forever. Well- maybe it would be forever, but I would be able to still be happy and cope with it in a way that would allow me to be a good daughter and a good student and a good mom. And that prayer changed my life! Ever since then I have been so grateful for the experiences i've gone through and the trial it's been. I feel like I have so much more empathy for the people around me. That's been one of the greatest blessings of the whole experience.

                                                                                                                                             

Now, almost three years later since becoming honest with myself about mental health problems, I can see how short sighted I was. I was the one who didn’t understand. I can say that learning to love myself has taken more strength and faith than any goal or standard I was aiming for. Now I’m not embarrassed to talk about my anxiety, and I have discovered the power of having compassion on yourself.