Matt

"Coming to BYU in 2010 I remember I thought all my problems were going to go away. I was moving to a different state, looking forward to making new friends, and was going into a far better environment than when I was in Las Vegas. I honestly thought that I could start anew and my problems wouldn’t follow me.. Well, I was wrong. What I learned is that you are still yourself no matter where you go. You can move, change your phone number, get new friends, and do all of that, but you are still you, until you’re truly honest with yourself so you can change your core..

I started using drugs when I was 15 in Las Vegas. I never thought I had any mental illness problems. I had friends, a good family, and I didn’t cry in my bedroom every night. I didn’t have any mental problems, I had a drug problem.

In Provo I still struggled with my self-esteem, I still wanted to use drugs and alcohol, I still struggled with girls, and I was still an addict. Just moving to Provo did not change any of those things for me. If anything, it enhanced my depression and mental health issues I was dealing with. Because of my issues I quickly found trouble in Provo. I fell in with the wrong crowd and started my cycle of drug and alcohol abuse once again. This was the first sign that you are still you no matter where you go. Even in “Happy Valley” Provo I still continued to struggle with many issues, did not address those issues, and sought  drugs and alcohol to cope with those issues when they were not getting better as I thought they would have.

During my freshmen year and before my mission I was able to hide my addiction well. I never sought help with anything because I thought my life was in order. Looking back, it was a wreck. After being recruited by BYU to play soccer I was cut after a year. I was not performing due to my consistent drug use and was cut from the team. This was devastating for me. I quickly turned to the only place I knew I could find comfort. I started to use heavier drugs more consistently. My grades suffered and I knew I had a serious problem. Although I knew I had a problem I had no idea where to turn. I was cut from the soccer team, hated myself for it, was struggling in school, and just hated who I had become. I was not very active in the Church at this time. My life was in bad shape, but I didn’t give up.

I knew I wanted to serve a mission for my church. I saw the example of my positive friends and wanted to be like them. After a short time off from school and soccer I decided to clean up and go on a mission. I talked to my bishop and stake president and started to make the right steps in order to go on a mission. Honestly, I wanted to go on a mission to turn my life around. I viewed it almost as a rehab, a time for me to clean up and get my life on track. I thought the mission was going to “fix me”. I believed it was going to help me because I was going to serve God. I was able to clean up for a time, turned my mission papers in, and was called to serve in Orlando Florida speaking Haitian Creole. I loved my mission and the people I met. I still struggled at times but I have truly been blessed for the time I have spent serving others. The time during my mission was a refuge from my drug addiction and mental health issues, but it was short lived.

Quickly after coming home I again struggled with my self confidence, depression, and my spirituality. I was not serving others as I was on my mission and did not know what to do with my time. I became selfish and my issues quickly returned. I again turned to drugs and alcohol shortly after returning home. I used while in Las Vegas before coming back to school. I still did not tell my parents or seek for help. I made a personal vow that I would stop once I came to Provo. After arriving again in Provo in 2014 after my mission I upheld my promise for a short time. I did well in school and was back playing on the soccer team. Unfortunately, I never addressed my issues and I continued to relapse and struggle. I continued in the relapse cycle for the majority of the 2014 year. It continued to get worse and I finally started to think that maybe I couldn’t overcome my addiction alone, so I turned to my parents for help.

It was hard to openly admit to my parents for the first time that I was addicted to drugs and needed their help. I thought that certainly this was the beginning to the end. My parents were very supportive and wanted to help as much as possible, but I wasn’t ready to be honest with myself and make core changes. Initially we worked well together. I learned about Vivitrol, a drug that blocks opioids’ affect on the body, and got my 1^st shot of it.,  I started some counseling in Orem. However, after just a ?few weeks? my drive to improve diminished. I wasn’t ready or willing to open up to the counselor or myself to really discover and address underlying mental health issues, and I fell back into bad habits. This started a pattern of soberness followed by relapse that would continue for years.

Several times I tried to clean up permanently. When soccer season approached again I decided I was going to quit drugs for good and again turn my life around. I wanted to be healthy. I found a lot of success in the Fall semester of 2014 on my own. I was doing well and was full of confidence that my addiction was behind me. My grades were good and I was physically in the best shape of my life for soccer. I was finally in order for a short time. Well, life happened. While playing for the soccer team I tore my ACL at the beginning of the season in January of 2015.  I was devastated. The next day I turned to the only place I knew I could escape, drugs.

2015 was one of the roughest years of my life. For the next 7 months I was heavily using drugs and alcohol. I wasn’t playing soccer, didn’t care about school, and was living in my own selfish world. My parents found out how much I was struggling and came up to Utah to put me in a treatment center. I was not to thrilled about this idea and talked my way to just an out-patient program in Orem. I started  taking the Vivitrol shot again and went to counseling. Slowly, I finally started to peel back my onion and open up.I finally started to enjoy life again. I was honest about who I was and progressed. However life continued to happen, I again struggled. I relapsed for a few months and finally told my parents I needed residential treatment to really get to the root of the issue.

This was a turning point in my recovery. My parents helped me get into a 24-7, full time rehab facility. It changed my life. A core part of the program is being honest with yourself and confronting underlying issues. I started serious counseling, started to become honest with myself, and started the 12 step program. I realized that I suffered from serious self confidence issues and depression. I finally addressed the mental problems I had been struggling with my whole life. I was not healed, but I knew what I needed to do on a daily basis to stay clean and sober. I was finally on the road to recovery.

Since finishing my in-patient rehab treatment I have made huge strides towards complete recovery. I have not been perfect, but I have found peace with myself. I am finally honest with who I am. I am a senior at BYU majoring in Psychology, I hold a consistent job, and am playing on the BYU soccer team again. I worked with youth who struggle with mental illnesses, increased my GPA (a big deal for me), and am enjoying the longest stint of sobriety since I was 15 years old. I will graduate in a year, I hold a church calling teaching the addiction recovery classes, and I have completed the twelve steps for addiction recovery. I can finally can love myself.  

Many think that mental health issues are black and white. It’s debilitating depression or chronically low self-esteem that qualifies as a “mental health problem”. My experience with drug addiction and mental illness is more nuanced. My journey has been a process, but I learned that you don’t have to be crying in your bedroom for days to have a mental problem. I wish I would have turned to someone much sooner than I did. I wish I would've known that there are resources out there to help with my real mental health issues. I wish I was honest with myself much sooner, that I had real mental health issues that belied my willpower to overcome my drug addiction. Acknowledging my mental health problems was crucial in my recovery.  I know if I rely on my training from my time in rehab to combat my issues, I will be sober another day. Honesty, I owe my sobriety to it. Don’t let a skewed vision of mental health issues hinder you anymore. Help is out there. You just have to be willing to go out there, be completely honest with yourself, and it will change your life." - Matt